Done

I am celebrating.









If you were looking at me right now, sitting here on the couch, you would not be able to tell that I am celebrating...







but I am.

I just finished the first draft of a screenplay that I've been working on for 7 months. This is the one I was hired to write that took me to the Republic of Georgia last summer for research. That is where I fell in love with the orphan that Jose and I are trying to adopt.




















This project been a very challenging process because it is based on a true story and truth, while stranger than fiction, is not in any was as easy to write or make compelling.

So I breathe in right now and sigh.



I am done.





For this moment, before the dude who hired me reads it, before I am required to dive back in and re-write based on his feelings about it(it's his life, after all) before the ticking time bomb of all that.....








I can relax into the done-ness of it all.



Done. Done. Done.

Halle-fucking-lujah!


This is today's happiness.

Scaling Down

It's a given that many of us are plagued with self-image issues. weight issues.






It doesn't seem to matter how lean or curvy, almost everyone I know has or has had in the past some kind of judgment about their body.



For me, historically it goes like this: I'm certain I am beyond overweight. I look at pictures from last year or years before that and think: if only I was as slim as I was then. Of course, back then, I was certain that I was beyond overweight and was romanticizing pictures from previous incarnations. And so it goes. In the moment I have had a low success rate of accepting my physical self. However I have been practicing. I have been re-training towards becoming as accepting of myself as I am of others. Seeing myself rather than as not good enough, as pure potential.








And then, a month ago something surprising happened. A friend told me to throw away my scale. MY SCALE. Without a scale, how do I prove to my inner critic that I am succeeding or failing? Without the scale, how can I sabotage a perfectly delightful day?

The thing is, I had been visiting this wise friend and did not have access to a scale. (she threw hers out 26 years ago) And....I felt fabulous.




All week. Every day.

And it became clear to me in a way that I had never fully understood before...that when I was 'trying to lose weight' I'd check myself on the scale to see if it was 'working'. if it was, my crafty inner critic would say ( in the sweetest voice ever) you deserve to celebrate! Dessert! Pasta! Wahoooo! Or conversely, if i stepped up and the scale told me nothing had changed or worse, I'd gained a pound, My nasty inner critic would drag me into the dark abyss of 'what good does it do to try and work out and eat healthy?' This sucks! You deserve some comfort. Dessert! Pasta! Boohooo!

After a week of feeling fabulous and not hearing that stanky-ass critic voice AT ALL, I got home and promptly threw my scale away. A satisfying action in and of itself. But what's more astonishing is that it's been a month now, and I haven't heard that cranky voice AT ALL. A successful eviction, it seems.

I can't prove that anything has changed physically...but everything has changed. You know?

Analyze this

There are two types of people that I’d like you to consider; those who analyze






and those who don’t.







Yes, I’m an analyzer. I prefer the term investigator. Either way, I enjoy thinking about why people do what they do, and why I do what I do.






I know there are lots of people on the planet who don’t analyze things. Maybe they don’t know how. Maybe they just don’t see the point. And I get that, I really do.
I mean, why try to figure out why somebody does something or doesn’t do something?
Or what statistics prove? No matter how much we analyze, in the end we do what we do, period. End of story. Or... maybe beginning of story.






People spend a lot of time trying to figure out 'what it all means'.









And as much as I like me some analyzin', it seems like a waste of time when you could be out there living. Being.
The thing is, people can get stuck in the figuring out, and never actually get out and try.






So, when it comes down to it, even though I enjoy the detective work of analyzing, when all is said and done I prefer to fly by the seat of my pants.





And I practice not caring what other people think about that.







Those people (whoever they are) should be busy living their lives, not analyzing mine, right?

Deep breath while we take a left turn on the subject to:

Flying. Falling.







These are similar yet deeply different experiences.
Falling is such a strange sensation.
It’s something we seek or avoid at all costs.
So many ways to fall:
You fall out of a tree.
You fall in love.
You fall out of favor with someone.
You fall asleep.

When you fall, there is always a landing of some sort.








But when you take a leap of faith, there’s always a chance you won’t make it to your destination.








That you’ll fall and fall into an abyss that you may never recover from.









But the thrill and promise of a true leap of faith can fill you with the kind of adrenaline that emerges only in the extreme moments of your life like when you fall out of a tree or when you fall in love.

Some people never leap. Perhaps the safety or comfort of the life they have with all its disappointments,








is a better bet than what might happen when they push off with their feet into the unknown.







For me, leaping is the only choice.




Even if I land on my ass.

Goldfish Man

Last night in the middle of a dream about something else, I noticed a bright orange, goldfish circling a drain. (bathtub? Sink? not sure.)

I caught it in my hands and put it in a tall glass of water.






It was so beautiful.

And suddenly it transformed into a man. He began talking to me through the glass and we began an amazing conversation.

He said I was the first person he was able to talk with...



Then we went for a walk.

It Is What It Is (Isn't It?)

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker on a ukulele that read:

Don't believe everything you think.







Let's add to that, the lesser known gem:

Don't believe everything you feel.









WHAT THE?!

Oh, it's a pisser alright.

It turns out that just because we think or feel it doesn't mean it's fact.
How can that be? Aren't thoughts and feelings legitimate?
YES.
But legitimate doesn't make them facts.





I think to myself: 'Things aren't going the way I need them to. I'm scared.' Instantly it's as if my inner little girl starts to cry...and scream.






I've got to soothe and quiet that little girl, right? It would be horribly mean to let her be in such misery. She says she wants a cookie. better yet, 10 cookies. (Let's use cookies as a metaphor for whatever escape hatch we use, okay?)






Over the years I've learned which foods will put me in that instant coma I desperately seek. the coma where I can't hear the little girl and I'm not overwhelmed by today's circumstance. The thing is, the cookie sedative only lasts about 15 minutes. then self-loathing sets in. 'You ate 10 cookies, you loser!'







Nothing quiets self-loathing better than 10 more cookies. or some other mind-number of some sort.

And so it goes.

While digging around in my emotional basement today

I came across a shocking discover:

That crying,screaming voice doesn't belong to my inner little girl!

Nope.

It's my super smart, super tricky inner critic.






My inner critic really hates when I discover things that make me more whole and more able, so it takes any chance it can get to slip in through the cracks to derail me. Any moment that I am over stimulated with the stuff of life, it pretends to be the voice of my inner little girl, and it says 'I am in pain! Only a cookie will help me!'

Well I call bullshit, Mr. Critic. Bull. Shit.

So I am now on an adventure of trying to catch him in the act. When I walked in to the grocery store and found myself inexplicably drawn to this huge hunk of chocolate, I picked it up and considered who was asking for it. it was not painful to set that hunk back down and move along.

Please don't discount this concept just because I'm using food as an example. I am not on a diet nor trying to be on one. It's not about cutting out certain things that are 'bad'...it's about challenging the inner voice that is shouting.

Deal with it, Mr. Critic, I am NOT broken beyond repair, as you'd like me to think.
I am NOT frozen by fear, as you sometimes try to convince me.
I am NOT doomed to be stuck in old patterns and beliefs.

I AM in the process of dusting off those old, worn out thoughts and feelings and trading them in for fresh new ones that fit me.

This IS my truth.

okay...enough for now...consider it food for thought.

Turn it Upside Down

A wise women recently told me that fear is just an emotion.
I roll that around my tongue a few times...it tastes funny.

Intellectually, I know that fear is just an emotion, but my brain and my belly are in serious disagreement on this one.

This fabulous wise woman told me you can dismantle fear by laughing at it. Ha!


On some level that makes perfect sense...I want to believe her. Dissolve fear with a sense of humor...that seems just dopey enough to be true, doesn't it? At the same time I scoff - it couldn't possibly be that simple. If it was that simple why do I cower at the very idea of facing it?
As I work at untangling the knots in my soul, made of a lifetime of trying to survive the slings and arrows, I discover something useful: I have gotten so used to being 'an intelligent adult' that if I sit across from this wise woman or anyone else, and discuss matters of the mind/heart/soul, my insights into self and the world are as wise as the best of them.

HOWEVER

That is not the same thing as actually TAKING IN MY TRUTH in such a way as to create a better way of living with myself.

What the hell am I talking about? bear with me here...

When embarking on investigations of those layered, historical 'issues' I realize that I am able to be more honest and more open if I don't just sit there like an adult. Lying on the ground with my feet in the air is sure to spill my intellectual armor out of my ear, leaving room for something new. Yes, feet in the air.Sure, there are other positions that will do the trick...sitting cross legged, scribbling with colored pens with my non-dominant hand while talking; lying on my belly, chin in hands -these are just a few positions that somehow help me bypass my intellect just enough to let a pleasant surprise invite itself over for tea.
So...next time you feel the need to work through something, try it upside down.
Shake it up a little. Do a dance and sing what's bugging you. You may find it oddly useful. Sure it sounds stupid. You may even laugh and accidentally scare the fear away.

The Nearness

in⋅flu⋅ence
   /ˈɪnfluəns/ Pronunciation [in-floo-uhns]
noun & verb
1. the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior or opinions of others.

By the time we reached elementary school some of us
(Me. You?)
began experimenting with saying things, agreeing to things, or pretending to know things that were not essentially true to ourselves.

Perhaps part of the reason was that we felt an energetic pull to do so along with an unspoken suspicion that things would go better if we just said YES.
Of course YES is a magical thing when used wisely.

But even now we fall prey to than silent director that inspires us to say yes when we mean no. Someone near us likes something or says something, and rather than tell the truth 'I've never heard of the band Visqueen, or 'I hate sushi' we say - 'Oh yeah, that band is totally edgy. Or 'Yeah, sushi is so good for you!

Nearness provides truly extraordinary energetic experiences. For example, when I am near my brother I laugh a lot. It's not even what he says...it's how he says it. This has always been true. Sometimes I start laughing as soon as I see him, before he's even said anything.


The ocean also provides a magical influence for me. When I am near the ocean, the incessant mental chatter of my city concerns fall away and i am left feeling like my essential self -the self that was its truest between the ages of nine and twelve or thereabouts.

One way or another, it's all about the Nearness. the closer you get to something or someone the more you can feel their energy, right? So there it is.

The question is:

What influences YOU for better or worse?

Inquiring minds want to know.